It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
