If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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