Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
