either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
