She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
