The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
