She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
