Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
