She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
