Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
