I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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