I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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