i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
