i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
