I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
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My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
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Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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