I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
