She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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