my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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