Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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