Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
