seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
