they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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