Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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