Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
