yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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