Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
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It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
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I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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