I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
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