That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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