It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
