Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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