i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
