you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
