you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I faked an abortion last night.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
