So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
