So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You are the jesus of drinking
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
