apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
