You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
