Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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