if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Randomize
