So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
