So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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