the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
How's work?
Spinning.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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