I am in a vortex of obligation.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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