Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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