Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
