Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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