i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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