$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
