finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
