Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
