I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
